Fake Doms

and the seventh circle of Hell: the apps

I’ve edited my Feeld profile about 14 times. Every time something happens that I understand myself to be Not Cool With, I add a new line.

The whole thing has been very clarifying, if not horrifying. I’ve been spoiled by my experiences and messaged Sir James to tell him so. (I deliver a neat stack of memes to him weekly, and sometimes we briefly catch up).

“I love knowing I’ve ruined you”

A shiver up my spine. Oof. That man… such good high fives together. Many missions accomplished. Grief unexpectedly released and replaced with strength and joy.

I’m still in one piece, figuring out what doesn’t work for me and why. It has been necessary to add “Straight dudes: if we are fucking it will be queer. Why are you swiping my profile if you’re not up for that.” Also that if they’re partnered and not being upfront with their partner about what they’re up to, I’m not interested.

My weekly screen time has increased beyond an acceptable number of hours a day, as I find myself addicted to the dopamine hits dished out by this sick game of horny Mariokart. I’m hyperfocusing on attention and validation, getting it any way I can. My original purpose for downloading Feeld completely forgotten as I yearn for matches. Sometimes the profiles run out and I widen my search. Then I calm down when I see people’s profiles with names like “LengthNGirth” and grimace. It’s not even creative. Despairing with the state of humanity but being nicely surprised by a few contenders. I’m in no rush, despite the urge to get it sorted. Kind of like arranging direct debits to ensure you have enough to pay the power bill in winter, that you’ll make rent. I’m looking to ensure my needs and obligations are equally and consistently met. Balance in all things makes me a better and more functional human.

Going in to this entirely in research mode, I’ve learned that it is important to me what people’s politics are. That I can have a conversation with them.

Initially I matched with someone I came to call Mr Truck. This was before I narrowed my searches a little, and I had some nice albeit brief discussions with him. Tall, strong, bearded: a known entity. We made a plan to meet up for a day beverage, and I had a sense that it wouldn’t eventuate. When he messaged the day before said meeting to let me know he’d been thinking and one of my hard limits was a dealbreaker for him, I felt kind of relieved. Then extremely relieved. I thanked him and wished him well. I hope he finds what he’s looking for.

Since that early match, I’d interacted with a good number of people who could pick up what I was putting down and keep the levity going. It’s bubbly and light, and I believe the young folks call it banter. I just think of it as how I talk with people. A bit silly, always curious, being decent and open. Having humility.

And a beautifully surprising match that I hope works out. Very similar wavelength around boundaries and politics, I feel very at peace when I consider this person. There’s no rush, and if it doesn’t pan out it’s been a pleasure to interact. All green flags (truly a rare event).

Some eager pansexual men in their mid twenties assured me they were all about what I’d put out there. When I asked about their kink experience the illusion unraveled fairly quickly. I think there’s a lot of porn that gives people unrealistic expectations of pleasure. How you can build a moment (or multiple hours) with another person. I entertained the idea of going to a shibari class with a particularly enthusiastic fella who had golden retriever energy, but ultimately we were not compatible. Despite his gentle protests that he only wanted to do what I wanted, knowing his preferences that went well outside that realm wouldn’t be realised, I couldn’t do it to him. Nobody in this equation needs to settle for less than we deserve. We wished each other well and went on our merry swiping way. Through this interaction I worked out that I need to find an experienced person rather than be someone’s learning experience.

I really hope those young men seek some education about how to Dom rather than just “having dominant energy”. There’s so much more to it than that.

Then there are the fake Doms who instantly sprout all sorts of erotic content from inside their heads, assuming I want to be spoken to like garbage without a negotiation. Or the people who declare their service top status, then two paragraphs in, begin making their demands. The men who list consent in their profile then send you a picture of their dick before saying hello. Settle down mate. Don’t barge in just yet, ring the doorbell first.

One thing I love to know about people, is what does this give you? What do you gain from being in the position you’re offering in partnership with another person?

I’ve been sincerely impressed by two people’s answers to this question. Thoughtful, considerate and ultimately loving as a general quality. I don’t need love from the person I wind up playing with, but I do need them to be a kind and considerate person. How could I possibly trust someone who isn’t, with all of my vulnerability and submission? It just wouldn’t work.

If you want to be written about here, you know where to find me.

The research continues…